Summer is finally here and with it the nice, sunny weather and long days. We've had a good bit of rain, to which is nice. Our little short school break was full of moving (across town), a Bible training session for Hetee and I in UB and a Music/worship seminar here in Darkhan. Any extra minutes I could spare were spent working to finish an online course I'm taking to become a certified ESL teacher. I'm not finished yet but I'm in the home stretch!
In other, quite strange and sudden news, we are planning on being in the States at the end of this year. It's funny, going to the States and visiting friends and family has long been a faraway, sort of unattainable dream for some time and when I imagined telling the news of our visit on my blog, I imagined it with more exclamation points. I imagined it with a sense of calm excitement that comes from having our trip, money and itinerary all figured and mapped out.
But, we don't. We began to feel God's nudge in this direction and we've started walking but, for me at the moment it's all a bit scary. Scary because I don't know if or when we'll make it to Louisiana to see my family and friends there. Scary because of our shaky finances. Scary because it's America and I don't feel very American.
Our journey has not yet begun, but I have decided to document it here, as best as I can, for other TCKs (Third Culture Kids) who may be in need of reading about someone else who doesn't have it all figured out. As always, happy to please. Plus, I'm pretty sure that spilling my guts will have the pleasant side effect of making me feel better. You know, getting it all out, and everything.
I feel lost when it comes to living in America but at the same time I feel drawn there because I have family there. Family and friends who are, to my children, like characters in a fairy tale. I long for the connection to be made. To see, talk to and be with family. For my kids to play with their cousins and meet their Aunts and Uncles.
The thing that scares me most, the thing that I struggle with every day but never blogged about is that my siblings and I haven't talked in several years. For a long time it was on and off, but for the past 2 years or so it's been just mostly off.
Things have happened between them and between them and my parents. I've been told many times that it has nothing to do with me but I'm not so sure about that.I'm pretty sure I crossed a line when I moved to the other side of the world.
My older two siblings and I parted when I was about 7. They were much older and made their choice to stay in the States when my parents moved us to Mexico. I was very close to my other sister who is 3 years older than me and lived with us until we made the move to Mongolia when I was 17.
I haven't seen my family in the US in 10 years. In a way, Mongolia has become my comfort zone. The place I have found family. A safe place where I don't have to deal with the rejection I have been feeling for so many years.
Yet, I'm finding that I can't escape from wanting to feel the love and acceptance of those 3 people, way on the other side of the world. I also know that without a miracle, I will never get it.
I see my siblings in myself and in my children. When I look at Nate, I see my brother. When we play cards he talks
like Damian used to. He teases his sisters like Damian used to tease
me. He likes ice cold milk on a hot day, just like Damian.
Abi is left-handed, just like her Aunt Leah. She loves animals like Leah.
Kenny, so like Leah, laughs so hard he can't stand up. If he's eating or drinking, you don't want to say anything funny or it'll be all over the table.
When I look in the mirror, I see Jennifer. And I miss her.
I long to be happy and whole, even if we don't live close together. I wonder if we'll ever be in the same room again. If we'll ever have a family photo taken. Life seems way to short to wander about this for too long so, if you think about it, please lift up our family in prayer.
I don't mean to hurt or isolate anyone in any way by writing my thoughts out on my blog. I hope that the words that are written here can bring healing or, at the very least, help me process the many changes Hetee, the kids and I will be going through over the next few months.
i will be praying about this and hoping you can make it to chicago somehow while you are in the states. i have similar feelings about my relatives (cousins though, not siblings), and it is a rotten situation to be in.
ReplyDeletePraying for you. I know how hard family differences can be, and what it's like to feel like you're stuck in the middle or have to choose
ReplyDeleteAh yes the "joy" of living most literally on the other side of the world from 1/2 of your family. It is quite often a hard and lonely road to travel as most will never understand, and regardless of where you end up the other side may very well feel slighted. I have many things I would like to say but my first is regarding this sentence you wrote: "Scary because it's America and I don't feel very American."
ReplyDeleteYesterday was July 4th, and I spent the day with my son, sister, and her roomie at the beach. As we sat enjoying the breeze and futilly trying to stop Muj from uprooting the American flag we had planted next to our blankets my sister decided we should all talk about what we loved about America. We started off having fun with things like breakfast, and biscuits, and only having to memorize less than 300 years of history before we moved onto the real stuff. Mine was, "There is no one way to be American, anyone can be American." And I whole heartedly believe that. The unique and amazing (if sometimes aggravating) mixture of peoples and cultures is what makes America truly great.
I have never felt more at peace, or like I belonged than when I was living in Mongolia. I fell in love my first morning there and could have spent the rest of my life happily living in a ger in the countryside. Then only a year and a half into my service my brother got into an accident and died (PSA: If your kids bike, skate, ride PLEASE have them wear helmets, if you can't get any let me know and I can send some. If my brother had been wearing a helmet he would have most likely still been alive today...and be an organ donor, is life saved at least 4 others and allowed someone to see again).
After the service I returned to Mongolia, because I know that my brother would not have wanted me to stop my life because he lost his. My family "understood" but there was a lot of resentment and feelings of abandonment. Those feelings would eventually be transfered to my Husband even after we decided to move to the US (for a number of reasons, the largest being the fact that I knew I needed to repair the gap if I wanted to keep my family in our lives). Now things are much better, yet my sisters forever make comments about how they will never forgive me if we move back to Mongolia, about how I "owe" my parents for helping Ganaa immigrate when his family did "nothing" for us. Etc, etc. Ganaa's family is simmilar, especially after the death of his brother. Both families have incorrect visions of how life is in the other country, and simply can not understand the complexity of having a multicultural/racial/lingual family. We try to be understanding and loving, but it is hard (so much so that Ganaa and I almost separated, until we stepped back and realized that while they are our family, we are our family first. If we can't do right by our lives how can we fully share in and do right by the lives of others).
Things are better now and we have started the long (as in many years) process of returning to Mongolia in the "right way". And relationships are two sidded, you can only try so hard, but if the person is not willing to meet you you have to move on and know that regardless of how things end, it does not effect what was. But I have faith that when we return to Mongolia my family will understand and make the effort, if not for Ganaa and I, for our darling little Temujin (children have an amazing power of love that does wonders in healing old hurts and misunderstandings).
I sincerly hope that everything works out, if you have any questions or concerns or just need a friendly ear of someone who understands never hesitate to contact me! And when you do make it here and find yourselves in Virginia Beach for some reason you are always welcome to stop over or drop in for a Mongolish meal :)
Chi shvv! Chi chadna! Bid 2t jinxen amidralaa tanixgvi gewch chi minii setgeliin naiz baina shde ^___^
Cassandra, thanks for sharing! I would love to sit and talk. =) There are so many things it sounds like we have in common. Thanks for the invite and when you make it over here, mi casa es tu casa. =)
ReplyDeleteMelanie, thanks for sharing your heart. Where did you move to? Where will you be when you are in the States? I really want to see you, I NEED to see you! If our house is finished, then we would love for y'all to stay with us for some of your time here, if possible. We will have a guest room and lots of outdoor space for the kids.... Anyway, I am so excited for you to be coming, and have long been remembering you and our times of visiting. I hope Damian, Leah, and Jennifer will welcome you back into their lives with open arms one day. That all of you will embrace one another as you have embraced Christ. Praying for all of you, my friend.
ReplyDeleteMary Ellen, you are too kind...I miss you so much. We moved into Margret's old apartment. The plan is to stay here for the next few months, save up and make a trip to the US. We're really excited but stressed at the same time! Lots of things need to come together and we appreciate your prayers.
ReplyDeletePlease give the family our love. We miss you all.